I need to start being honest with myself. or the first time. Yea, that's right. Because up 'till now I've been basically living like an actor. An actor in my own life. How pathetic.
One of the main focuses of my current meta-musings have been my relationship with food. Honestly, I could eat everything at any one time. When I don't feel like eating, I still know I do deep down, It's actually something else that overruns my desire not to eat and makes it into that. I probably DO want to eat. Eating isn't something stress naturally impacts. I'm not naturally inclined to have disordered eating. I'm making myself have disordered eating...unless that's what defines it in its essence? Perhaps people who become seriously entrenched in their disorders are lacking a certain amount of self-awareness? Maybe I'm too-aware to get hospitalised.
I need to see food not as an event. But merely as an enjoyable necessity for basic physical and mental functionality. There is nothing within the food that I need to read into, over-indulge in or otherwise. Looking at it longingly, even when I don't see it that way is what perpetuates the struggle. I just need to see it and do what I want with it, whether that's ignore it or eat it. I won't think. I can't.
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