The End Maybe This Time for Real

I thought I had it so under control earlier today.  But that was before I remembered that night time is where real life happens and when real heartache kicks in.  Even though I'm completely fine - more than completely - I'm finding it harder and harder to stay in the mindset that had me wanting to break up with him in the first place! I think about it and I'm still convinced I made the right choice.  But since the time has come to settle down into the single life, I'm finding myself irrationally lonely. Better yet, Jarrett and Isaiah came over to say a quick hello and they told me they were headed to a movie later...with "a group." Took me a whole 8 seconds to deduce that "group" really means Lauren.  Yet another slap in the face of loneliness for you.  Can't I ever just 'be' the way I did when I was a kid and friendless purely because I hadn't met any yet?? I'm asking for paint supplies for my half birthday (medium story; I'll explain in a later post) in what was a slow creeping and suddenly all-at-once wave of motivation towards the art life again.  I was hoping that this was the first sign of what I've been trying to rekindle inside me for all these years.  Yet this evening has been killing me and whatever desire I had for anything else up until this point.  I thought breaking up with him was going to free up my mental space for all this new motivation but it hasn't.  I should have gone out tonight.  I need the distraction from my own thoughts that I'd normally rely on a best friend for but seeing as I haven't got one of those and I just dumped the closest equivalent a mere 6 hours ago, I'm rather at a loss.

Upon further thought, I'm lead to believe (by the not-so-gentle hand of my inner self, that is) that perhaps what I'm feeling is merely a crave for the social interaction I'm naturally inclined towards. For years I've learned and adapted to a life of social seclusion ever since the traumatic demise of the single most meaningful relationship I've ever had; Lauren. What if the loneliness isn't uniquely as a result of my break off with Kirk... What if it is really just that same old social butterfly I've held caged for so long finally trying to break free and this is how it communicates that need for freedom.